rebelle without a cause

Would it be wrong for me to buy my 6.5 year-old a black leather jacket? Because the girl has the attitude to rock this thing, for sure.

I have a confession to make. Before I got pregnant, when landisdad and I were just practicing to make babies, I was sure that I wanted a boy. I grew up with three brothers, and lots of male friends--I was sure I didn't know how to deal with little girls, even though I had been one. But when I did find out I was pregnant, I immediately began hoping for a girl. When we went for the ultrasound, I was certain it would be a girl, and I was right.

But I was also right that I didn't really know how to deal with a girl. Or rather, I didn't really know how to deal with a miniature version of myself. Because that's what the Bee is, a miniature, but not diminished, version of me. And just like I have my bad days, so does she.

There are days when I think, would it be easier if she was a boy? My son is a much more easy-going kid, but is that due to his second child status? His gender? His genetic code? We'll never know for sure. It's the kind of thing you could drive yourself crazy thinking about, and yet I persist. Because surely not every first child says things like, "I hate you!" and "you're not my real mother!" just because you make them do their homework.

Nearly every day, I mentally compose an apology letter to my own mother. I never send it, because I'm still too bitter about our relationship growing up.

You see, she never bought me the motorcycle jacket.