Who says Bigger is Better?

I've been lamenting the size of my breasts pretty much since I hit puberty - they've always been far too big for my liking. I've just never been comfortable with them. I've always felt like they are getting in between me and every tank top, bathing suit, normal bra, or strapless dress I've ever wanted to wear. I don't mean to whine, but to be honest I've always felt a little bit cursed and limited by my ample bosom.

I'm 5' 2" with a pretty small frame, so, apart from my head, they're the biggest thing one me. I have always gotten alot of (unwanted) attention in that region. If it were up to me, I'd wave a magic wand, give myself a small B Cup and call it a day. For as long as I can remember, I've felt uncomfortable and unproportioned. Anyone who knows me well has no doubt listened to me complain about this topic more than once.

To add to my already battered self-image, my closest girlfriend, Michelle, has tiny boobs, so I spent many formative years observing her wearing anything she wanted, often bra-less. Again, don't mean to whine, but that was hard - It still is sometimes.

And it's not just about not being able to wear stuff. There's a major comfort factor, too. Having large breasts is just plain uncomfortable. Especially in the summertime.

I'm that girl who can't ever seem to find the right bra. I hate wearing a bra, but I'm far too large not to. I'm always tugging and pushing things around in there to re-adjust. And any bra that comes in my size is undoubtedly ugly. When I go to the gym I have to wear 2 sports bras. I have to buy my bathing suit top an bottom separately: S bottom, XL Top. You get the picture, I've got big boobs and they annoy me.

When I was in university I was a large D cup. Which at the time, I thought was huge.

When I was in my 20's I discovered a bra at Marks & Spencer called the "Minimizer", I bought one in every style and color. What a godsend. Thanks to that bra I was able to focus on something other than the size of my boobs for awhile. (By the way, M&S also carry the "Maximizer").

By the time I hit my 30's I'd pretty much made peace with my body.

And then I got pregnant.

At first I was optimistic, I thought, "There's no way that they'll get bigger, they're already big enough to feed 4 babies, why would they get bigger?". But then, against all reason, they began to grow. Just a little bit at first - I went from a D cup to DD. "This is fine," I thought. " I'm pregnant. it's natural. I can handle this". But it didn't stop there. Next, I had to buy a pack of bra extenders in order to squeeze myself into the DD. Then I switched to sports bras. Then I had to buy a big ole Bravado bra that comes in M, M+, and M++, as opposed to normal sizes. It was official, I was off the charts, I'd graduated from the world of conventional bra sizing.

But it wasn't until I gave birth and I found myself busting out of an F cup that I truly hit rock bottom. That's where I am now. I'd really like to trust nature & trust that my body knows what it's doing. But something just doesn't feel right here. There's not a day that goes by that I don't daydream of having smaller boobs. And on my most extreme days, I daydream of plastic surgery. Trouble is, I don't really want to do anything that extreme. Plus I'd like to have more kids and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize being able to nurse them.

These breasts make me feel like the frumpy Queen. I've resigned myself to wearing huge, shapeless tops and strategically places scarves in order to conceal my ailment. I had to go to my husband's formal Christmas work party last night. I wore a poncho.

I know I really should be grateful that they are healthy & bountiful breasts instead of focusing on their size. But that's easier said than done. I'm really bummed out. I spend alot of time wondering what they'll look like when I'm done nursing. Whether they'll get smaller. Whether I'll always feel this deformed.

And perhaps the cruelest irony is that since I'm nursing, each day affords me countless opportunities to gaze upon / gawk at my bigger-than-F cups and think, "What I wouldn't give to have my D cups back".

This is my favorite thing to rant about. Sorry it's so long. But to tell the truth, it could have been much longer.