Waxing Angsty
Some of the posts and just my general hormone level have had me thinking about things in a way that makes me feel like i'm back in junior high and my rock star posters really understand my pain.
The first thing is almost too strange/silly to write. About two weeks ago, i had my period for the first time since Henry was conceived in July of 04. That's about 18 months without it and i didn't miss it a whit. However, when it returned i was a bit surprised because i'm still breastfeeding and i guess i expected it to stay gone a little longer. My periods have never been too big a deal-- not very heavy, not much in the way of physical complaints, and generally none of the emotional turmoil that others experience. This time was different. Physically things were more or less the same (although to be honest the tampon just didn't seem as friendly as it used to-- tearing in a vaginal delivery really does a number on you, but that's a whole nother post), but emotionally i could tell that my hormones were fluctuating a bit. For instance, i seemed stuck on this vague sad feeling. And while i was searching for the cause i had this macabre thought-- my period was essentially a miscarriage of a baby that could be. Whoa! Just typing it makes it as crazy as i thought. We do want to have other children and the Mister wouldn't mind trying now, but i know i'm not ready. So, why on earth was i sad over this "missed" baby opportunity? I'm still not sure, but thankfully the moment passed.
All the sleep posts have been percolating around in my head. I'm not prepared to go into all the details but after some horrific sleep battles of our own when H was around 4 months old, he's since been an excellent sleeper. He routinely sleeps 12-13 hours a night, in his crib, without a peep. It's truly wonderful-- both for him so that he's well rested, and for us because we have lives (Monday is ballet, Tuesday is the Mister's class Thursday is quilting, etc.) However, the fact that i'm away for him for this chunk of time makes me sad and frankly incredulous that this little totally dependent being is now able to do just fine on his own thank you very much! for half the day (well night really). I'm absolutely astounded each morning that he wakes up, alive and sweet and still our baby. After 3 months of complete and utter hell, it feels like we're cheating to have so much of our own time back.
The first thing is almost too strange/silly to write. About two weeks ago, i had my period for the first time since Henry was conceived in July of 04. That's about 18 months without it and i didn't miss it a whit. However, when it returned i was a bit surprised because i'm still breastfeeding and i guess i expected it to stay gone a little longer. My periods have never been too big a deal-- not very heavy, not much in the way of physical complaints, and generally none of the emotional turmoil that others experience. This time was different. Physically things were more or less the same (although to be honest the tampon just didn't seem as friendly as it used to-- tearing in a vaginal delivery really does a number on you, but that's a whole nother post), but emotionally i could tell that my hormones were fluctuating a bit. For instance, i seemed stuck on this vague sad feeling. And while i was searching for the cause i had this macabre thought-- my period was essentially a miscarriage of a baby that could be. Whoa! Just typing it makes it as crazy as i thought. We do want to have other children and the Mister wouldn't mind trying now, but i know i'm not ready. So, why on earth was i sad over this "missed" baby opportunity? I'm still not sure, but thankfully the moment passed.
All the sleep posts have been percolating around in my head. I'm not prepared to go into all the details but after some horrific sleep battles of our own when H was around 4 months old, he's since been an excellent sleeper. He routinely sleeps 12-13 hours a night, in his crib, without a peep. It's truly wonderful-- both for him so that he's well rested, and for us because we have lives (Monday is ballet, Tuesday is the Mister's class Thursday is quilting, etc.) However, the fact that i'm away for him for this chunk of time makes me sad and frankly incredulous that this little totally dependent being is now able to do just fine on his own thank you very much! for half the day (well night really). I'm absolutely astounded each morning that he wakes up, alive and sweet and still our baby. After 3 months of complete and utter hell, it feels like we're cheating to have so much of our own time back.
posted by Tallis Ford @ 9:13 AM
3 Comments:
At 11:22 AM,
Tammy said…
I totally hear you, Tamra. I haven't gotten my period yet, though I've heard it's pretty common to get it back at around the 10-month mark, and I'm not excited about it. It's not like my periods were horrific or anything, but it was pretty nice to skip it for a year and a half.
And this comment:
"However, the fact that i'm away for him for this chunk of time makes me sad and frankly incredulous that this little totally dependent being is now able to do just fine on his own thank you very much! for half the day (well night really). I'm absolutely astounded each morning that he wakes up, alive and sweet and still our baby. After 3 months of complete and utter hell, it feels like we're cheating to have so much of our own time back."
Totally! Sam's sleeping right now, and I keep having to fight the urge to go and check on him because it's hard to believe he can be sleeping contentedly without me. And in the evenings, my husband and I are still trying to remember what it is we used to do with ourselves. For a few days, in Sam's absence we'd just talk about him compulsively, but the mister just instituted a time limit on how much we're allowed to do that, which I think was wise.
At 6:05 PM,
Melissa said…
Tamra, I know just what you mean. For the first four months of A's life I was never away from her for longer than an hour, and once she slept in her crib I felt like I was missing an appendage. I also felt enormously relieved, and then felt really guilty about that! This motherhood thing is not simple.
I haven't gotten my period yet either, and while I do want it to appear at some point, I'm not exactly looking forward to it. And I soooo hear you about the damage that giving birth does to your body. Pushing out a 9-pound baby, plus forceps, is not pretty.
At 6:58 PM,
Joie de Vivre said…
"...rock star posters really understand by pain."
That's a thing of beauty!...mind if I use it with my friends?
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